CT: There's been a lot of unbelievable stuff going on, lately. Actual versus fake news. So, we're asking you to set aside your skepticism, and open your mind and ears...to magic. We have with us tonight America's finest exclusively-radio magician: The Amazing Radioudini (pronounced like "Houdini," but "radio") and his beautiful assistant Graciella!
TR: Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am Harry Radioudini, voted America's Only Radio Magician by Radio Magic Monthly, a magazine I just made up.
SS: (husky) And I am Graciella. I provide sexy visual distraction. (TAMBOURINE)
CT: But on the radio, how do we know what you're doing?
SS: I say it out loud. (sexily) I am pointing at your head. (TAMBOURINE)
CT: She is, actually. It's genuinely distracting.
TR: For my first trick!
(MUSIC: Mystical magic trick music)
TR: Everyone who is listening...think of a number between 1 and 10. Think of it very hard. In fact, write it down. Do you have the number? Good. Graciella, a distraction, please.
SS: I am waving my body in a sexy blur of sequins. (TAMBOURINE)
TR: Thank you, Graciella. Okay, are you ready?
TR: Seven. Was your number seven? Call us now if it was seven.
CT: Oh, this isn't that kind of radio show. We actually don't have any way to connect to--
(SFX: RINGING PHONES, BEEPS, ETC.)
TR: The phone lines are lighting up! Let's hear from one of our listeners.
SB: (filtered, on phone) Hello? Amazing Radioudini?
TR: The one and only.
SB: THIS IS SO CRAZY!!! Mister Radioudini, I have been your biggest fan ever since I heard you turn an entire baseball stadium into an owl.
TR: Ah yes, the old stadium into an owl trick.
SB: And I know you really did it, because first I heard beer vendors and organ music and the crack of the bat, and suddenly it was just a little owl noise.
TR: Yes. Who are we speaking with?
SB: I bet you can figure it out with magic, just like you figured out that I was thinking of the number seven!
TR: Yes. Let me see if my magic muses are speaking to me.... Oh, they are! Graciella--
SS: I am indicating the general space around me in a vague and sexy way. (TAMBOURINE)
TR: I see some glowing letters... They are... say it with me--
TR: N, I'm seeing an N--
TR: Anna! I see the name Anna--
TR: ...bel. Annabel!
TR: Annaboggle...are we still spelling just one name?
TR: Whoops, I think we lost the connection!
(SFX: DIAL TONE)
TR: Graciella, a distraction--
SS: I am gyrating oddly. I look like a rotating disco ball. (TAMBOURINE)
CT: She really does.
TR: For my second trick, I will pull a parrot out of this hat!
SS: The Amazing Radioudini is holding a top hat.
CT: No, he isn't...
TR: As you can hear, there is nothing in this hat.
CT: Again, he's not holding a hat. He's not holding anything.
(SFX: HOLLOW KNOCKING)
TR: But wait...IS there something in this hat?
CT: There isn't even a hat...
TR: Abracadabra, Lollapalooza, NPR...
FN (Parrot voice): Rrrawk! I'm a parrot! Rrrawk! Magic!
(SFX: MAGIC! STING)
TR: For my third and final trick, I will combine two magic tricks into the BEST RADIO MAGIC YOUR EARS HAVE EVER SEEN. I will saw my assistant in half, WHILE guessing your card! Graciella, please step into this box.
(SFX: UNLOCKING, OPENING BOX)
SS: Goodbye, cruel world.
(SFX: CLOSING BOX)
TR: Now, for our listening audience, pick a card, any card, from this deck.
CT: There's no deck.
TR: Your choices are the king of hearts, two of diamonds, and a jack of... I can never remember which is clubs and which is spades. Anyway, it doesn't matter. I'm going to saw this box in half.
(SFX: SAWING NOISES. CLUNK OF BOX COMING APART.)
TR: Graciella is no more! But wait...what's this?
SS: I'm all in one piece! And I'm wearing a new sexy dress! (TAMBOURINE)
(MUSIC: "MAGIC" STING)
CT: But...what about the card?
TR: Let's make a random phone call out to anyone in the country, and see if I correctly guess that card.
(SFX: PHONE RINGING, PICKS UP.)
FN (older woman): Hello? Who's calling? I'm watching television.
TR: Um...no, you aren't! You're listening to The Amazing Radioudini, and thinking of a card! Right?
TR: I'm pretty sure you're thinking of a card.
FN: Son? Is that you? Oh, I plum forgot, you're doing that little E.S.P. show tonight, where you call yourself a name that sounds like pasta! You told me you were going to call and--well darn, what was I supposed to say?
TR: (quickly) Hang up, hang up....
FN: I never remember if it's clubs or spades--
(SFX: DIAL TONE)
TR: Whoops! It appears we've lost that one. I guess even the best magic can't fix a cellular network.
CT: Was that your mom?
TR: No. And this isn't a "little E.S.P. show."
SS: (sighing) I should've been a Rockette... (TAMBOURINE)
CT: The Amazing Radioudini, everyone! And his sequined assistant Graciella with the best magic on the radio. (TAMBOURINE AND MUSIC OUT)